30 Ways To Tick Kankuro Off
by kikofreako
Summary: A detailed description of Kankuro's buttons and how to push them.


Yet another insane 30 Ways from Akiko. As for the last one, the format belongs to HarvestMoonRacoon. Don't use it without asking or else she'll um... well... all I know is that it will most likely involve forks, crepe paper, and generous amounts of Scotch tape. Yup. I have no beta reader, so please inform me of any typos so that I can fix them up!

**_30_**W**ays To **T_i_c**k Ka**_nku_ro **O_f_f**

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, wherever they go." -Oscar Wilde

* * *

1. Give Karasu a make over: namely, a geisha one. 

2. Show Geisha Karasu to Temari and suggest therapy for poor Kankuro-kun.

3. Stuff soggy Fruit Loops into his sandals.

4. Inform him that 'some bug-filled dude' is coming to Suna for a long-term mission.

5. Add afterwards that the mission is a cover so that no one notices the bug filled-dude and Temari eloping.

6. Carry around a juice pouch and suck for that _laaaast bit _of juice that you just KNOW is there.

7. Lock him inside Kurori.

8. Tell Gaara that Kankuro shaves his legs.

9. Dance about Suna singing the Barney theme song and force Kankuro into group hugs with random passerby.

10. Wear a Darth Vader Voice Changer. While singing the Barney theme song and hugging random passerby.

11. Change the channel to Disney and hide the remote. (Because we all know that he's to lazy to look for it)

12. Declare during an important meeting that the Kakubi paint makes him look 'indescribably sexy.'

13. Hide Gaara's bear in Kankuro's room. (If you do this, it is suggested that you hide cameras in Kankuro's room so that you don't get Sabaku Kyuu'd along with Kankuro)

14. Tell him that the symbol on his shirt reminds you of a fishing lure. (This is preferred with an Uchiha, but works for Kankuro as well)

15. Ask him if he's pregnant. When Kankuro denies it, elbow him in the side and say, "_Riiiiiight_," in a Texas drawl.

16. Call him Mr. Squeakums, the Rubber Duckie of Death. For no reason at all.

17. Carry around a banana and insist that he call it Kiba-kun. Then, force Kankuro to eat the banana.

18. Inform Kiba that Kankuro has a crush on his oh-so-single mother, Inuzuka Tsume.

19. Point and yell, "CAT MAAAAAN!" whenever Kankuro walks by.

20. Prank call from the Sabaku household. Pretend to be Regis Philban "phoning a friend."

21. Ask him what his cup size is, C or D.

22. Sing, "HE'S A PINBALL WIIIIZARD..." and use a wooden spoon as a triangle beater. Yell "_**TING**!"_ every time you hit the triangle.

23. Ride a seahorse at the supermarket and scream, "Giddyap, little dawggie!"

24. Wear a blanket on your head and insist that he be your guide dog. Provide your own rhinestone-studded collar and inform him that 'you've come prepared.'

25. Put on a pair of swim trunks and cover yourself in barbeque sauce. Scream, "The chickens, Ma!" and tackle Kanky to the ground. Proceed to use his body as a towel.

26. Sell him on eBay.

27. Watch Kankuro eat his breakfast. Once he's finished his milk, remark, "I was wondering when Temari was going to throw that out. It's been sitting in the fridge for three months."

28. Cosplay as a cross between Kankuro and Jar Jar Binks. Giggle and waggle your fingers at anyone who looks at you.

29. Do the Puppeteer One-Eyed Squint® and mumble about how the Ritz crackers took a cheap shot.

30. Whenever Kankuro steps on his right foot, oink loudly and kick him in the shin.

* * *

"Crap..." Kankuro muttered, slamming the cabinet shut. "TEMARI, WHERE'S ALL THE FRUIT LOOPS?" 

No answer. His brother stared at him from under his hat, shooting the Gaara Approved Death Glare ® at a very-oblivious Kankuro.

"Moron," he muttered, grinding his teeth in irritation. "I bet she got a bunch of that stupid whole-wheat stuff, trying to get us all to 'eat healthy.' I swear..." He continued mumbling to himself, crossing his arms across his chest and snorting.

There was a slight shifting as _something _came down the stairs. "Temari, do you know where..." He trailed off, noticing it wasn't Temari.

It was his puppet. Actually, it wasn't. The geisha-looking monstrosity COULD NOT be Karasu.

"Hey, Kanky-kun." it cooed– batting it's eyelashes!– "Maybe your cereal's upstairs in your room... wanna go check?"

Kankuro screamed and scrambled under the table, knocking over a pile of scrolls.

"Kankuro." That icy voice could only belong to one person. "Get out of there now or I will kill you."

"B-but... Karasu... make-up..."

"Fine." Suddenly, Gaara smiled in a very Out-Of-Character way, cackled, and pulled something out of his robe...

...a Darth Vader Voice Changer.

"Kankuro," he said through the device, "I am your father!"

"T-this is a d-d-ream" Kankuro stuttered, trying to wake himself up from this horrible nightmare. "Y-you're not r-real..." Then he screamed again.

Aburame Shino stood in the doorframe, an arm around Temari's waist and a gold ring on his finger.

"Bugs... Barney... Jar-Jar Binks... b-banana..."

Kankuro passed out on the floor.

Shino suddenly poofed into thin air, Temari laughing hysterically and clutching her side. "...elopoing..." she wheezed. "...moron..."

Sabaku no Gaara walked into the room. Surveyed the two places where replications had sat.

"..."

Then he walked back out again.

* * *

Okay. It's late and I felt like finishing this. To anyone who read my 30 Ways on Aburame Shino... I love you guys! 

Did you know that I use your reviews to make cookies? That's why they taste so good– they are made of pure, refined critique and feedback. Ah, the joys of cooking. Review and get a yummy virtual cookie. Criticize and you get two. Flame and you get to watch me make s'mores! Woo hoo, s'mores!

Akiko


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